HOW TO DRESS LIKE A SUPERHERO
Dead Cats Dead Rats show at The Middle East in Cambridge: Punk’s not dead, it’s just getting crushed under the stiletto heel of your drunk twenty-something ex-girlfriend with the tattoo on her ankle of her dead hamster’s name. I only know one person in this world as depressed as I am and he’s the smarter of the two of us so I’ve been feeling a little short-changed. ...
THERE IS ROMANCE IN GETTING STRUCK BY LIGHTNING
There is no irony in the weather. There’s a sunset in this week’s memory, the sky all orange and purple, one giant cloud full of lightning, the moon over the Charles River. You can’t take vitamins to stop your insides from exploding. I’d like to put on your Combat Boots and stomp the SHIT out of your ribcage. Sitting handcuffed on the side of the road, it’s...
SLOW MOTION COOKING SHOW
AND NOW for the cooking section of our program, brought to you by GRILLED CHEESE FROM THE FUTURE: MACARONI AND CHEESE PANINIS! Ingredients: Instant Mac & Cheese Onion Italian Seasoning White Bread Lettuce Tomato Prosciutto This is my new and glorious creation, and seriously, it be ‘mazing. I made one, ate it, and then made another. Then I drove around delivering them...
SUCK IT, Pop Punk, I ain't no groupie!
If Adam Was a Tranny, Would That Make Eve Gay? Dreams of firing a gun drunk at gay bars on Halloween, whatever that means. My favorite ex-boyfriends have the same favorite pokemon as me: Mr. Mime, Slowpoke, and Psyduck. Eating cold pizza in bed is an intelligent activity for lonely morons like me. * This is what a feminist looks like! Although in a more accurate version, I’m...
It’s not that I miss you, I just can’t stand sleeping alone.
Call the Cops! Someone Stole My Weed!
Listening to Choking Victim while driving 60 in a 25. Tonight we played ding-dong-ditch like suburban delinquents. We snuck into the neighbor’s yard and swam in their pool. We stripped down to our underwear and held each other’s heads under water. We filled the jacuzzi with bubble soap and made a bubble snowman sculpture. Held one’s hand while the other grabbed my feet. ...
Lesbian Drama? I'll Give You Lesbian Drama...
Like Lady Gaga bitch-slapping Avril LaVigne. Poker Face your Girlfriend.
THE STATUE OF LIBERTY NEEDS TO GET EIFFEL TOWERED...
Take your own advice and keep doing it wrong. If you find yourself shrugging and rolling your eyes at the end of sex, you’re probably doing it wrong. What does it mean when someone tells you that you’re “a lot to handle” or “too wild” during plain old vanilla? Human up and grow a pair. There’s something ridiculously satisfying about getting high and...
Five Suggestions On How to Change Your Life
1. Fall hard for a bad person. 2. Come out to your grandparents. 3. Set your clothes on fire. 4. Get arrested in your home town. 5. Convince a stranger that they are your soul mate.
GET DRUNK AND HAVE GAY SEX
Wear temporary tattoos Get real tattoos COMBAT DEPRESSION WITH ALLERGY MEDICATION